I’m terrified. It’s been a long time since I’ve been left in such despair, and sadly haven’t caught on. The hardest thing is to say and do the things you don’t want to, the things you’re not ready for. It sucks not having you here, this is hard for me. It’s hard for me to admit to you how much everything has changed. It hasn’t just been a good summer, it was the best one. You brought me to my peak but I’m not sure if that means I have to go back down now. Am I going back down my happy peak with you because I’ve reached the top and you’re at the bottom right now? I don’t know. I’m worried to fall on my ass again and have my friendship taken advantage of. I had mentioned to you to never abuse my friendship and the fact I can’t just leave you. I can’t just turn around and face my back towards you as I walk away. I know I can’t just leave someone that has provided me with an unwavering friendship that I’m begging not to have second thoughts about for many reasons. Maybe it was a better idea you didn’t show me any love, you showed me the world that I had not seen and you gave it to me. I feel left alone now that you’re not around as much, you have a lot more on your own plate to deal with then to sit around with me doing nothing and conversing about nothing. It’s hard seeing you deal with so much and not being physically there with you but you haven’t exactly been allowing for that. It’s becoming that last minute call, you’re riding on the fact I made that promise to you that I’ve stayed loyal to. I’m scared to fall on my ass with you, even though you’ve told me multiple times that you would catch me, things are different now. Everything changed between us the first time you held me and that we can’t rewind. I guess my confidence is slipping up, I’ve found to be insecure not knowing what’s happening. I don’t know what this is not having you here, it is so hard.
Isn’t it awful when a sense of discomfort and doubt overcomes you about what a person’s intentions and actions are? All you want and hope is that you’re just thinking too much since you haven’t seen someone for a period of time that it’s starting to affect you. It’s hard to even bear the thought of someone even doing something awful to you that you trust so much, but it’s possible. Sometimes you just need to stop worrying but then things appear to be falling together to appear a way you don’t want them to and you begin your cycle of discomfort and doubt all over again.
Do you know what it’s like when your heart drops to the ground because you’re so saddened by a change of things? The feeling when things don’t happen as you had planned or was expecting. It’s scary thinking about those moments when your heart drops at the thought of something happening to someone or something not happening when you’re prepared for whatever it can throw at you given the situation. The fear that you were associated to the reason for the change may come with the feeling of your heart dropping and that’s almost as terrifying, if not worse. Do you know that feeling?
“I guess you’re right; I’m afraid. I’m afraid to put my guard down. I’m afraid that if you know who I am, you won’t feel the same. And I’m afraid that once my barrier is defeated and I’m comfortable, that you’ll walk away. Because that’s what everyone’s done anyway.” — Unknown
That is the exact truth. We’re all afraid, we’ve always been afraid because it took us such a long period of time to be where we are now to be so content with our surroundings, with how our life stands. We’re afraid that if we slightly let down our guard for someone that as soon as it gets just a little comfortable to the point things come so easily that there will be nothing much more to stay for because there isn’t that sense of challenge. The interest catcher of finding yourself in someone else suddenly doesn’t exist because you’re able to find you’re own reflection in them too easy that it’s the same reflection you see in the mirror so why go through the trouble of fussing and fighting with someone where you can’t find something about them that helps you better yourself? If you keep your guard up and a person persists to stay even when you’re absolutely a pain in the ass in every form possible - physically, emotionally and mentally, then you know they’re not here because they enjoy the stress. They’re staying around because they’ve understood that something they’ve found in you is what they’ve been looking for in themselves or in someone else. And that having been able to see that in someone else, brings them to stay no matter how sick and tired they get of you. Even when they’re not able to completely understand, nor comprehend, why and what’s making them stay, they still do. It’s a gut feeling that tells them that something is worth staying for. That that something is a reflection upon them selves found in the body of another person. It’s that string that keeps you tied to them with a knot that just doesn’t seem to undo regardless of how hard you try to undo it. Maybe in time it’ll undo itself without your effort. Maybe when the time is right, but for now, they’re meant to stay.
We are afraid to care too much, for the fear that the other person does not care at all.
If you’re scared than it’ll only make me turn the other way thinking it won’t work, that it won’t matter and that this is going to take a hundred and ten percent effort from both of us to work if anything. You’re scared to love, but most of all, you’re scared to love someone. You’re scared to love me most of all.
