I hate myself for procrastinating. I hate that my teacher decides to take off for 3 weeks and come back the day before my course ends leaving us with a substitute until then that doesn’t understand our assignments. I am not going to finish this course without proper guidance and explanation of the assignments that I have to try to understand through videos. I don’t want to not stress about school right now after a good long weekend. I just want to climb into bed with good company and cuddle.
We’re falling apart, and I know it. We both know it. It’s tearing me apart more than anything right now, and it isn’t what I want. But I know it’s for the best. I push you away during the day, because I hate the feeling of being attached to someone who’s approximately 500 miles away. I’m sick of it, actually. I feel so pathetic to think that you would ever want to be with me when you have tons of girls back home falling at your feet. I tell myself your words are nothing but words, and soon enough, you’ll begin to realize that you need someone who’s physically there for you. We don’t hold a specific title, but it truly makes no difference if we did or not. The way we speak to each other, the cute names we call each other, and the promises we make already makes me feel like I’m making a commitment to you. That if I talk to someone else here, it would be wrong. Because in the back of my mind, it’s you. It’s always you. And I honestly do not want that anymore.
But come nightfall, I begin to miss you in such a way that it literally aches. I wonder what you’re doing, how your day was at school, how things are back home. And then I reach my phone to call you, and you seldom answer. And that’s when you push me away. And I can’t help but to question whether or not you’re talking to someone else. Someone new. And if you are, I shouldn’t even be upset because deep inside, I know that that’s for the best. For both of us.
Can’t you see, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. But at the same time, I still want you here in my life. Things are just too impossible for us right now. High school was such a joke compared to what college has thrown at me. I spend my days in class, and if I’m not in class, my head is in the books. And if not, then I’m out and about with the new people I met here. The people I’ll spend my my next four years here with.
I looked at the moon again tonight, knowing that you’ve probably looked up at the same moon. “No matter how far apart we are, we’re looking up at the same moon. And that is enough for now to make me feel close enough to you.” And I won’t ever forget that. I promise.
With all my long days and even longer nights spent at school and work, I’m lacking time to keep up with my homework and readings for my classes but I’m making a whole lot of money. I’m so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained by the end of the day though, but even then, I still want to see you. You’re my escape and now that I’m not seeing you every few nights I’m starting to miss you, especially after working 8 hours or more after 2-6 hours of school. I expected to not see or talk to you as often once I went back to school full time this semester but now that things are different, I wish it weren’t like so.
I don’t want to go home after work to read and do homework even though I know I should for my own benefit but what I want is to see you to relieve me of my stress and exhaustion. Thank you for being patient with me; and, giving me you whenever I ask and or need you, but nonetheless, giving me yourself regardless of my request. It’s comforting to know that you will give me your time and yourself by your own choice because this is a two way relationship. I’ve never experienced such great friendship or such a strong friendship until this with you, with great thanks to the enhancing of it over the past few months.
“It’s easy to say things when you mean them.”
I need to get working on my big project and gift to celebrate your existence that has granted me happiness and never-ending pleasure. I’m definitely slacking on my plans to write you a book again and perhaps another drawing of us. I’ve been too preoccupied with the present and cherishing it as much as I can living the good life, especially time with you. I know that once I’m back in school and the weather changes I won’t get as much time with you or have as much time to talk to you for long seeing that I will be very busy.
